Miss you Grumpy
by Mallorysgirl
Summary: Sam wrote Dylan a series of letters while away, but never had the courage to send them.
1. Chapter 1

Miss you Grumpy

Ok, so this is my first casualty fan fiction. I have recently developed a little crush on the lovely Sam Nicholls and love her relationship with Dylan, so I thought I'd give Casualty fiction a try. Hope you all like Oh yeah P.S It don't belong to me, just rented from my imagination!

Sam walked slower than usual to work this morning. Lost in her own thoughts she hadn't realised that she was running late. Maybe coming to Holby hadn't been such a good idea. Seeing Dylan again had been hard, him rejecting her had been harder.

She knew she had hurt him, but he had hurt her too. Seeing your husband rather climb inside a bottle rather than spend time in your company would drive the most forgiving wife to do something stupid, something reckless.

And Dean had been stupid and reckless. Maybe that's what drew her to him in the first place. Dylan had always been so straight laced. Sam couldn't think of a time when he'd been reckless. Well other than marrying her maybe. Had marrying Dylan been a mistake? He'd told her often enough it was. Every time they argued and he drank, he said the vilest things. Granted she was no saint but she had never told him that she wished they'd never married. Even at the lowest moments when she truly thought she hated him, she had never such hurtful things.

No she went out and did something stupid and reckless which hurt him even more. Pulling herself from her thoughts she quickened her pace. Now she was really late!

"Thank you for joining us Doctor Nicholls," Mr Jordan reprimanded.

"Sorry Mr Jordan," she quickly responded making her way to the staff room.

Opening the door she felt like her heart had stopped for a brief second. Standing before her naked from the waist up was her husband. Now granted Dylan would never have the body of Jenson Button but Sam wouldn't have swapped it for the world. His broad shoulders, strong arms and soft skin, Sam had missed them more than she thought. This was pure torture!

He turned around at the sound of her entrance, but she still stood there dumbstruck, eyes and mouth wide open, still perving away.

Embarrassed he quickly grabbed his shirt and put it on. "Relax," Sam said trying to sound casual " It ain't like I haven't seen it all before," A cheeky smile crept upon her lips as she thought about Dylan naked.

"Well yes," Dylan stammered "The less said the better," He sounded nervous as he tried to quickly move past her. She caught his hand making him turn back to face her.

"Dylan," she said softly "We can't carry on like this," Her voice was barely above a whisper. She sounded tired, defeated even.

"Like what?" he asked. He knew what she meant but it was easier to act oblivious.

"Awkward," she answered seriously "Or in your case just plain fidgety,"

He starred down at his feet, not answering. Sam sighed he'd always been so vocal after a bender or when he'd had a bottle. But now he looked like a small child waiting to be yelled at.

Sam was sick of the yelling. Opening her bag she pulled out a small stack of letters and handed them to him. "I've debated whether to give you these," she began, "I wrote them in Afghanistan, I was going to send them to you but I never plucked up the courage. Please read them,"

Dylan eyed the small stack curiously, "Ok," he agreed "I'll read them,"

Sam gave him a quick half smile and headed towards her locker. "Thank you,"

Dylan waited until she had headed out to cubical before sitting down on the sofa and began to read the first letter.

_Dear Grumpy….._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_Dear Grumpy_

_I know that the last time we spoke to each other we both said some awful things. I'm sorry if I hurt you, I would never do that on purpose. Sometimes I think you're the only person that can make me react that way. I've had several high-ranking officers screaming foul language in my face before, yet no ones ever pushed my buttons the way you do._

_I suppose there's part of me that enjoys our bickering, at least when we bicker your not ignoring me. At times you make me so mad that all I want to do is shake you. Make you see that I'm there and that I'm more important than the drink._

_But I'm not am I? If I were you'd have given it up along time ago. Where did my husband go? The man who made me feel like I was the most important person in the world seemed to disappear so quickly. I want him back!_

_I'm sitting in my room at the camp writing this to you, but if I'm honest I'll probably never pluck up the courage to send it. You and I don't confront our problems do we? We run from them instead!_

_I hope things are going well for you in Holby and that you're settling into your new position. Stay away from those Nurses or they'll have me to deal with ok. I'm only kidding. But seriously you'll do great, you always do super doc :)._

_I'll call you as soon as I can. We really need to talk; contrary to what you may think I do really love you and I want to make our marriage work._

_All my love _

_Sammy x_

Dylan digested the contents of the letter, tears forming in his eyes as he reread it over and over again until Linda's voice became annoyingly loud.

"Doctor Keogh," she said shaking him from his thoughts "Your needed in Rhesus,"

"Coming," Dylan looking rather flustered shoved the letters into his locker and headed out. His problems with Sam would have to wait until later.

* * *

The morning seemed never to pass. Even with the department busy, the day didn't seem to go any faster. She was sure it was because she was waiting to see if Dylan had read her letters yet. From the moment she had left him with them she had a nagging feeling that she had made a huge mistake. Being that open with him was probably not a good idea. If he reacted badly, well she'd still have to work with him.

"Could it really get any more awkward though?" she asked herself

"Could what be awkward?" Tom asked sitting down next to her.

"Nothing," she answered to quickly. Now she sounded cagey.

"Okayyyy," Tom stressed knowing that was lie. "Look Sam, you don't have to tell me what's wrong but if you want to I promise it won't go any further,"

Sam loved Tom; he could read people like a book. He was also probably the sweetest person she'd ever met. If she weren't so in love with her husband she'd think he was quite the catch.

She looked up at him "If I tell you and you breath so much as a word I will separate you from your nads. Is that clear?"

Tom held his hands up in mock defence "Crystal,"

Sam sighed "In a desperate plea to make my stupid insensitive husband see that I'm still madly in love with him. I have given him a series of letters I wrote him while I was serving in Afghanistan. At the time I didn't have the balls to send them. But now I figure I have nothing to lose so I've manned up and handed them over,"

"And what? Your worried about how he will take them?"

"Yup," she answered glumly.

Tom wrapped his arm round her and pulled her in for a bear hug "Oh Sammy, what are we going to do with you?"

"How bout we convince a nunnery to take me in," she answered settling into the hug.

"Nah," Tom laughed, "You is way too pretty to hide away in a nunnery,"

Looking up at Tom she grinned "Aww Tom why can't I just fancy you instead. Life would be soooo much easier,"

"I'll have you know I'm quite a catch," He pretended to be insulted but looked down at her grinning

"I'm sure you are," she laughed, grinning back.

Somebody coughed behind them. "Not interrupting anything am I?" they asked their voice full of sarcasm before heading back out the door.

Sam broke the embrace and quickly got to her feet "Wait! Dylan!" she yelled after him.

She looked back at Tom who had confusion written all over his face "Perfect!" she sighed "Just perfect!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_Dear Grumpy,_

_I've done something terrible! Every time I think about it I want to be sick. Please don't hate me. I couldn't bear it if you hated me. I wouldn't blame you if you did, I hate me for what I've done. _

_You have no idea how lonely I've been without you. I lie awake at night thinking about us. Thinking about the way you used to kiss and touch me. I wish you were here now to hold me and protect me from myself. I've spent hours and hours crying and I'm lost without you. _

_I know your heart will be breaking when you read this but I've been sleeping with one of my colleagues while out here in Afghanistan. Please don't think that I'm telling you this to torture you, I just need you to understand that although I know that I'm totally out of line I still love you._

_Right now it may not seem like it but this may actually be a good thing. Being with someone else has made me realise how important you are to me and how I don't want to lose you._

_Please forgive me Grumpy._

_You are the most important thing in my life and I miss you more each day. _

_All my love _

_Sammy x_

Dylan pounded his fist into the nearest filling cabinet. "Shit!" he yelled. Pain spreading through his hand, he fought to hold back the tears. Tears that were threatening to escape partly because of what Sam had done and partly because his hand bloody hurt.

"What did that cabinet ever do to you?" Zoe asked concerned.

"Had an affair with my wife," he snapped angrily.

Zoe looked at him confused. "Care to enlighten me further?" she asked.

"Not really," Dylan answered shortly.

"Well if your not going to tell me what's happened at least let me take a look at that hand. It's swelling up really bad,"

"It's fine,"

"No it's not," Zoe said getting slightly annoyed "How to you expect to treat patients without the use of your right hand huh?"

Sighing in defeat Dylan nodded "Ok, fine," He followed her out to cubicles glaring at Tom as he passed him.

Sitting down on the bed he allowed Zoe to examine his hand. "Can you move your fingers?" she asked.

Dylan winced in pain as he attempted to stretch out his hand.

"So," Zoe began "How does a filling cabinet have an affair with your wife then?"

Dylan's eyes narrowed darkly "I'm not in the mood for humour Zoe,"

"Then talk to me," she said softly "Tell me what's going on. Bottling up whatever your feeling isn't going to help is it?"

"He thinks I'm sleeping with Tom," A voice said pulling back the curtain. Sam could feel the full weight of Dylan's anger burning into her.

"And are you?" Zoe asked.

"Of course not," Sam answered horrified "Tom's just a friend,"

"Do all your friends comfort you like that?" Dylan spat "Or is it just colleagues' that the privilege of sleeping with you," He waved the letter at her.

She sighed loudly rubbing her eyes furiously "Dylan!" she began "You already knew about Dean before you read that letter. We have discussed him many times and I'm not prepared to talk about it anymore. I cheated on you…."

Zoe looked at her startled.

"….and for that I am sorry," she carried on sincerely " If I could go back and change things I would. He was a mistake! The biggest mistake I've ever made in fact. But just because I made one mistake doesn't mean that I will make another. I had an affair with one guy, that doesn't mean that I have others lined up because he is no longer in the picture," she snapped.

He looked at her blankly, like he hadn't acknowledged a word she'd said.

"You know what," she said shaking her head "I'm leaving! Come find me if you ever grow up," And with that she was gone heading out of the department.

* * *

Sam knocked on Mr Jordan's door with hesitation. She swallowed hard as she entered his office.

"Everything all right Sam?" he asked noticing the glum look on her face. The older Doctor had noticed a change in the young medic over the last couple of days. She had seemed to grow more restless, like she had too many things on her mind.

"Not really Mr Jordan," she sighed.

He ushered her to sit down "What's wrong?"

Sam hated feeling weak, she wasn't the type of girl who got all emotional but in that moment she couldn't stop the tears from falling. Mr Jordan pulled out a box of tissues from his desk and she took one.

Calming herself slightly she began "I can't do this anymore Mr Jordan. Things are too hard," she felt the tears beginning to fall again "I need to leave here," she cried "I need to leave Holby!"

Nick Jordan looked at Sam puzzled "Are things really that bad here? I know this place is a lot different than what you are used to, but I thought you liked it her Sam?"

"I do Mr Jordan?" she sniffed.

"Then I don't understand,"

"It's Dylan," she answered "I came here in the hope that I could fix my relationship with him and in fact I'm making it worse. Seeing him everyday, knowing he hates me…"

"He doesn't hate you," Nick cut her off.

"Yes he does," she cried "He can barely look at me. He's suspicious of everything I say and do. I can't even be hugged by a male colleague when I'm upset without him thinking that I'm jumping into bed with them,"

"Look Sam," Nick began "I know your upset but I don't think you should do anything to hasty right now,"

She began to protest but he cut her off "Just sleep on it tonight and if you still feel this way tomorrow then we'll go from there ok. But right now I'm not accepting your resignation is that clear?"

Sam nodded in defeat and headed out of his office. Once behind the firmly shut door to lent against it and closed her eyes. She'd do as Mr Jordan asked and sleep on it. But that would change her decision. Tomorrow morning she'd hand in her resignation and leave Holby for good.

**Authors note : I shall be away from computer for the next week due to work commitments, but I'll update as soon as possible **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

_Dear Grumpy_

_Since our fight on the phone yesterday, I've decided to give you some space. I know right now you want nothing to do with me. I understand why, I did something terrible and I can only hope that you can at some point find it in your heart to forgive me._

_If I could take away the pain that I've caused you I would, but I know that my presence will hurt you more right now, even if it is just at the end of a phone._

_Love you with all my heart Grumpy_

_Sammy x_

Dylan learnt against the wall outside the ED department. Every time he read another of Sam's letters he felt that little bit sicker. He remembered that awful time she was away in Afghanistan and how much he had missed her. Lying awake each night wondering if she'd be all right. Every time the phone rang he's body would fill with dread as he waited for someone of the other end of the phone to say "_I'm sorry Doctor Keogh…."_

The thought of losing her was almost too much to bear. Was this really worth losing her over? The thing in the staff room may have been innocent, Dylan couldn't be sure. And if it wasn't, he sure as hell wasn't going to lose her to Tom.

Stuffing the letter into his back pocket he headed back into the department in the hope of finding Sam.

* * *

Tom found Sam in the staff room scribbling something on a piece of paper.

"What's ya doin?" he asked curiously.

"Writing my resignation," she sighed.

"What! Why?" he asked confused.

"Because I can't carry on like this," she cried "I can't stay here and be around Dylan when he feels so little for me," Tears began forming in her eyes threatening to fall. "I made a mistake Tom," she spoke barely above a whisper but Tom could hear the pain in her voice.

"I had an affair and now my husband can barely look at me. He's suspicious of everything I say and do," By now she was sobbing hard. Tom pulled her into his arms and they just stood in the staff room with only the sound being that of Sam's heart breaking.

"Maybe I should sleep with you Tom," she looked up at him behind watery eyes "At least then he can be right about accusing me,"

Tom let out a soft laugh and pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head, he thought carefully as he chose his words wisely. "As tempting as your propositioning of me is…" He pulled away from her slightly so he could look directly at her "…And believe me it's tempting," He flashed her a quick grin before wrapping his arms tightly back around her. "It wouldn't solve your problems. It would make them worse, you'd feel terrible, you'd start feeling weird around me and then you'd have to avoid both Dylan and I. And in an ED department of this size that would be tricky,"

He placed his chin on the top of her head "Besides," he began "I kinda hoped that if I was ever lucky enough to have a chance with you," he paused "Well it would be because you liked me, not because it's what was expected,"

Sam pulled away confused. Looking up into Tom's sad eyes Sam finally realised what he was saying "Tom I…."

"It's ok," he reassured her smiling "I know where your heart lies and I want you to be happy. Dylan's a very lucky man, even if he is too stupid to see it,"

Sam hugged Tom tighter "You're the closest thing I have to a best friend Tom," she whispered fresh tears falling "You know I love you right,"

"Yeah, Yeah," he dismissed playfully "If you love me that much you wouldn't be leaving me alone with the oldies would ya?"

"I can't stay," she cried

"Just hold off until tomorrow ok,"

"That's what Mr Jordan said,"

"That's cause he doesn't want to lose you either Sam. You're a good Doctor and a great friend. The ED wouldn't be the same without you," he assured her "And if that means I have to hunt down Dylan and kick his ass I will," he joked.

Sam stayed in his warm embrace but nodded in agreement against his chest. After a few moments Tom pulled away from her. "What?" she asked

"Nothing," he answered, "I've just got something to do. I'll be back in a while," Tom headed out of the staffroom leaving Sam looking rather confused. He headed down the corridor and out past reception.

Dylan Keogh needed to realise what he had, otherwise Tom would be giving him an ass kicking!


End file.
